One full year of Flight 109. That's right, I've been posting things on this site that people occasionally glance at for a full year.
Hate to get all sappy and wistful, etc..., but things have changed a lot since then. On the day of my first post, I was still a 13-year-old, quickly learning the differences between being in grade school and being in high school.
Wow, things seem so different now. I feel like I've gone through a lot of what high school and adolescence can throw at you. I feel like I've improved as a writer (immensley - my old posts suck so bad). I feel like I'm a different person.
I don't know how long to make this post, but hey, whatever comes I'll put down.
It's fascinating - back then, I was trying so hard to be accepted. I went to the lengths of playing "White Chocolate" to get people to like me. And to some degree, I acheived my early goals. By winter I was going to more parties than most people..."A-list" parties, if you will.
And I enjoyed hanging out with a lot of people, but that's because I wanted to become more popular. I was never liked too much in grade school, so I got a high on this newfound social success. "Blake Samanas, Vice President" didn't make sense to me - It was weird to think that I had finally found a place.
And sometime around then, fairly soon after, I directed my attention to more...well, specific relationships. Rather than talking to everyone, I started to find my own niche, and some people that I wanted to further develop my friendships with.
And I don't know what happened then. I stopped enjoying parties, because I discovered that I didn't fit in as well with all these people as I had previously hoped. I'd go, but I would wonder if they even wanted me there (it's hard to know what people think of you when you developed self-esteem issues from a rough grade school turn). I discovered who I liked to hang around with the most, and stopped trying to go to every party I possibly could.
So, that takes us to the last part of the year. Man, I wish I could have those months back. I turned all my attention to one subject, and all the other parts of my life suffered. Socially and academically, I faltered because of my "other focuses."
God, I wish I could just admit to everyone why I've become such a downer anymore, why I don't enjoy school like I did, but I...don't want to. Not yet.
Of course, many of you reading probably have no idea what I mean when I say I've become a downer. I think I hide that part of me because I got friends by being funny and cheerful, so a part of me worries that if I show that I've hit a rough patch in my life, I'll lose all those friends. It's shallow thinking I know, but I don't know any other way - sometimes it seems whenever I feel like talking something out with people, the subject gets changed before I can even get anything off my chest.
And I feel guilty about putting those people in such tough positions. I'm sorry everyone.
So that's why I'm taking it out on this blog post here. Kind of depressing I know, on the 1st birthday of the blog, but it's about my only outlet right now.
Oh man. I guess I just poured it out there. I didn't mean to rant for this long, but the words came so I wrote them.
I'll try to be back on here before 2005 is over, but if I don't, have a nice rest of the year, everyone.
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5 comments:
Heya Blake. Trust me, I know how rough patches are and I know how you feel about not wanting to put those people in tough positions. But hey, you know I'm here for you. If you ever want to talk just say so. I'll never turn you away. :D Sorry to get all sappy and friendish. WOOHOO!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY FLIGHT 109!!!
blake, your the man. just dont wait too long. this post shows that you are already ready. you already know that your going through adolesence and high school is over after everyday, and finally, your turning into the person you'll be for the rest of your life. in other words, your growing up. your doing fine, a rough patch is not only inevitable but their the biggest parts of growing up. you dont get faster by walking and you dont mature by just being happy or hiding who you are. blake just cuz you feel down doesnt mean your doing something wrong. i dont know you as well as i wish i did. but what i do know of you tells me that you need to have fun. blake i can appreciate what your going through enough to tell you that you know what you gotta do. and even though i dont see ya much know that i keep you in my prayers.
hey cheif,
It sounds like you and I went through some very similar experiences during 9th grade. I also tried to be friends with as many people as I possibly could. I realized that I had become aquaintances with everyone, but true friends with very few. My focus changed during the winter and I now have some friends that are very close. I couldn't help but notice the similarities between what you wrote and what I experienced.
I have often wished that I had some months of my freshman year back. Let me check....nope, I haven't gotten any of them back. Wow, this sounds like something in the Bible:
"12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,"--Phillippians 3:12,13
Forget what is behind you because in God's eyes, any way you have screwed up has simply never happened. Focus on where you are now and what you need to do in order to get where you want to be.
Part of growing up is being able to sit down and be serious with people sometimes, and at others to enjoy yourself and have fun. What you will realize is that when you do this other people will, as they grow, learn to appreciate that. A fair amount of people think that I'm hilarious, but they also realize that there is a serious side to me. A lot of people think you're hilarious, I'm one of them. If you let the serious side of you show, people will not look down on you for that, instead they will learn to appreciate it.
The Lord's blessings to you,
You're always in my prayers,
--Shinnick
Wow, I feel dumb. I misspelled the second word in my comment. Oh well.
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