Thursday, December 22, 2005

And they set off, 26 fortnights later.

I don't know. I guess I wanted a title that said "Hey, I'm a different age now," but not so blatant as "it's my birthday lol!!!11!one"

So yes, I guess I'm 15 now. This seems like kind of a useless birthday, because there's really no difference between being 13, 14, or 15. It's not some kind of milestone, like 16, or 18 or something. Just another year down.

But I don't feel fifteen. I don't feel fourteen. I don't feel sixteen. I'm not sure what I am. I see people my age that I don't know, and they seem really young to me, mentally at least, but I see people older than me, and they seem that...older, I guess. At least a lot of them. So how old do I feel? You'd have to make up a number I think. Like...tenty-sevight. Yes. I feel tenty-sevight years old.

Oh well, at least school's done for the semester.

Friday, December 16, 2005

"Dude. You just slept through Constantine" "I Figured as such"

That just happened. Today was weird.

I'd been laying under my desk listening to windows media's randomization of my Something Corporate (/a little Jack's Mannequin) collection for a long time, and I guess I dozed off toward the end of Space and woke up right after Constantine. Bleh. I'm such a teenager.

Today, I think, was in fact weird. I finished that crazy book last night, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. It was pretty good, I suppose I'd recommend it. It was for that "outside reading" stuff we've got going. It's kind of sad to me that I only read when I have to, I used to read all the time, and you know, I still enjoy it...I guess it just never crosses my mind.

I find that my thought process is extremely different at night. I think of the most irrational things when I'm tired, and come up with these great ideas that, when I wake up in the morning, realize are completely horrible and have many holes in them. I also get bolder at night and have less regard toward having normal or coherent thoughts. That's why I think it's a danger to blog at night, yet I still do it. Sad.

Hey! You! Why are you even reading this blog? I'm generally just rambling along. You should probably read Evan's blog instead. He usually writes, you know, information...with relevance. Sometimes I'm in there too. Interesting stuff.

My eyes hurt. Contacts are stupid crap and I hate them. I only feel like a normal person when I wear glasses. In fact, I can't think of a single advantage of contacts. I've not gotten a single compliment on "a new look" from the ladytypes, but only, in fact one compliment from one of my unneccessarily belligerent campers that I considered to be fully backhanded. He kept saying how I needed to get a tan. I kept thinking in my head how much I would have liked to have been working in the kitchen at that point.

I guess that makes me a pretty bad junior staff, or maybe just that I admitted it. I kind of always wondered if teachers and counselors generally have kids that they just can't stand. They probably do, but at least they never let on.

So, wait, where was I? Wow, I'm so bad at blogging. Seriously. Maybe I'm just tired. I did in fact just wake up, really.

Oh, right, we were on contacts at this point. I could have saved myself some trouble by scrolling up. Yes, I hate contacts. In fact, I'm nearly certain that since I first got contacts, people have started liking me less. Granted, that probably has nothing to do with contacts, and more to do with my disregard for social skills as of late.

It's like I don't have any ettiquette anymore. I avoid people that I consider my friends, just to avoid awkward conversations. I never used to have awkward conversations, but now I just can't ever come up with anything to say. It's like I'm more of a freshman than ever before, looking at the ground and stuff. In fact, I'll even pretend to check my watch only to find I'm not wearing one, and grumble about how I need a watch. Just to break the silence.

Maybe I've been putting too much pressure on myself to keep conversations going...Maybe the people I talk to need to take some initiative and talk.

I don't know. But those of you I can talk to without mass amounts of effort, I applaud you much. Very much indeed. So let's have a party.

I've also seen a major decline in my MSN usage. This is probably a good thing. You know, it's really a big waste of time anyway. I don't believe I've started an MSN conversation in ages. If I talk to people on it, it's because they talk first.

Sometimes I'm afraid to be the one to talk first. Perhaps these people don't really like me...perhaps we'll say five things and the conversation will come to a screeching halt.

Wow, I never realized how much I truly think too much about things. Completely overanalyzing the dumbest things. I'll let Matty T. take you away.

I was thinking, over thinking
Cause there's just too many scenarios
To analyze, look in my eyes
Cause you're my dream - please come true
I was thinking, over thinking
About exactly how i'm not exactly him
I'll break my heart in two
More times than you could ever do
Cause you're my dream - please come true

Monday, December 12, 2005

One Year Anniversary Sale!

One full year of Flight 109. That's right, I've been posting things on this site that people occasionally glance at for a full year.

Hate to get all sappy and wistful, etc..., but things have changed a lot since then. On the day of my first post, I was still a 13-year-old, quickly learning the differences between being in grade school and being in high school.

Wow, things seem so different now. I feel like I've gone through a lot of what high school and adolescence can throw at you. I feel like I've improved as a writer (immensley - my old posts suck so bad). I feel like I'm a different person.

I don't know how long to make this post, but hey, whatever comes I'll put down.

It's fascinating - back then, I was trying so hard to be accepted. I went to the lengths of playing "White Chocolate" to get people to like me. And to some degree, I acheived my early goals. By winter I was going to more parties than most people..."A-list" parties, if you will.

And I enjoyed hanging out with a lot of people, but that's because I wanted to become more popular. I was never liked too much in grade school, so I got a high on this newfound social success. "Blake Samanas, Vice President" didn't make sense to me - It was weird to think that I had finally found a place.

And sometime around then, fairly soon after, I directed my attention to more...well, specific relationships. Rather than talking to everyone, I started to find my own niche, and some people that I wanted to further develop my friendships with.

And I don't know what happened then. I stopped enjoying parties, because I discovered that I didn't fit in as well with all these people as I had previously hoped. I'd go, but I would wonder if they even wanted me there (it's hard to know what people think of you when you developed self-esteem issues from a rough grade school turn). I discovered who I liked to hang around with the most, and stopped trying to go to every party I possibly could.

So, that takes us to the last part of the year. Man, I wish I could have those months back. I turned all my attention to one subject, and all the other parts of my life suffered. Socially and academically, I faltered because of my "other focuses."

God, I wish I could just admit to everyone why I've become such a downer anymore, why I don't enjoy school like I did, but I...don't want to. Not yet.

Of course, many of you reading probably have no idea what I mean when I say I've become a downer. I think I hide that part of me because I got friends by being funny and cheerful, so a part of me worries that if I show that I've hit a rough patch in my life, I'll lose all those friends. It's shallow thinking I know, but I don't know any other way - sometimes it seems whenever I feel like talking something out with people, the subject gets changed before I can even get anything off my chest.

And I feel guilty about putting those people in such tough positions. I'm sorry everyone.

So that's why I'm taking it out on this blog post here. Kind of depressing I know, on the 1st birthday of the blog, but it's about my only outlet right now.

Oh man. I guess I just poured it out there. I didn't mean to rant for this long, but the words came so I wrote them.

I'll try to be back on here before 2005 is over, but if I don't, have a nice rest of the year, everyone.