Out of Darkness

Today at work I found 50 dollars.

There it was, right on the floor by the office chairs and barstools. A ten wrapped in two twenties. No one around.

But of course, I was working.

I picked it up, and with a little thought, hunted down my manager within the store. I told her about it, they locked it up and told me that I'd get to keep it if no one claimed it within 30 days.

A little later in the day, I ran into the service desk lady, who told me that someone had come by right after I had dropped it off, not even knowing we had a lost and found, just to pick up an item on hold. While she was getting her item, she lamented aloud that she had lost some money earlier.

Of course, it was hers. The service desk lady told me that the customer told her she was "grateful" and glad that I found it.

50 dollars, each one returned to their rightful owner.

This story is pretty unremarkable. Everyone would do the right thing in that situation, right? Not to mention, I was at work. There's an added responsibility to me to keep an ethical code when I'm on the clock.

But...50 dollars is a chunk of change. 50 dollars is half of my week's wages. 50 dollars means I could skip a whole shift and not see the effect on my wallet. I came into work to cover for someone else's call-in the other night, causing me to have to stay up til 3 to finish my homework, and I didn't even make half of 50 dollars by doing so.

The point is, when you're in college, working hourly and facing debt and a bad market, 50 dollars is a lot of money.

I am not trying to make myself seem like a really good person here. It was the right thing to do, and I think basically everyone would have done the right thing in that position.

But what if I didn't always have to do the right thing? What if those years of Sunday School hadn't stuck with me? What if my parents hadn't held me to such a high standard?

Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul.

The whole situation just seemed like an metaphor to me. What were my pros and cons for that situation? If I pocket the money I get 50 dollars. If I turn it in I get the satisfaction of having done the right thing.

If I go out and get drunk I get fun and friends and to forget about my problems. If I decline I get the satisfaction of having done the right thing.

If I have sex I get immense physical and emotional pleasure. If I don't I get the satisfaction of having done the right thing.

So when do you get to trade in the satisfaction for prizes?

As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God.

It seems to me that keeping the 50 is just like those things. I've certainly had my chances to do them. I've certainly been tempted to do them. Nearly everyone around me does them to great success and little consequence.

And it's all anyone talks about here. How drunk they got, who they slept with or wanted to sleep with or who wanted to sleep with them.

And I play along. Anytime something like that comes up, I coyly twist my words so that it seems like I share in the experiences, when in reality I don't and haven't. What am I doing?!

I want to fit in. I want to go to a party, play beer pong, get drunk, meet a girl and take her upstairs. I want to keep someone else's 50 dollars that I found while working. And it's as easy as just doing it. But I don't do it because I know that I shouldn't. That it would be a slap in the face to all the people who loved me enough to raise me and teach me in God's Word. A slap in the face to God.

And yet I weasel out of being bold about my desire to do what is right. I get marginalized for doing what is right, people look down on me and tell me that I'm young, I should live it up, I'm too uptight.

For it is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men.

One of my biggest problems in recent years has been my lack of confidence. At times I am passive, submissive, obedient. That's not what girls look for in guys. They prefer trouble-makers, rebels, aggressive guys. I want to find a girl, so sometimes I think about how I can become less submissive and more of a trouble-maker. Less passive and more aggressive. Less obedient and more rebellious.

But why? It's so stupid! Are any of those things ultimately good qualities? When I'm at the gates after I die, am I going to proudly announce to God that he had ought to let me in because I made trouble and rebelled with my time on Earth? It sounds lame, but if it's not desirable in the eyes of God, then why should it be desirable in the eyes of anyone? And, on that note, why does that even sound lame? It shouldn't. It isn't.

Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men...Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God. Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.

When I've discussed my views on the Wisconsin environment with friends who don't go here, I've usually said that there are two options - you can join in the sex and drinking with everyone else, or you can sit at home and complain about it.

I've tried desperately to do neither, but I often find myself falling into the latter category. Surely there must be a third option. Surely there is something better than joining in or complaining.

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.

This semester, I've been participating in a small group Bible study with a handful of people from the chapel. I was torn on going in the beginning, and it admittedly started off a little bit slow, but ultimately it has been incredible. We're studying the book of 1 Peter in a very in-depth manner, and I can't say enough about it. 1 Peter is such a good book of the Bible.

As a background, 1 Peter was a letter written to Christians who were being persecuted for their faith as an encouragement to be holy and live for God even in times of suffering. It's so relevant and worthwhile for anyone whose life isn't perfect. So, it's relevant for anyone.

I would hardly consider alienation and temptation to count as suffering compared to getting killed for one's faith, but the same messages hold true - be holy and live for God.

So does living for God count as that third option from defiant sinning or complaining about it? I guess it does. I don't know how one can put "live for God" on the calendar for Friday night, but I do know that living for God doesn't entail defiant sin or idle complaint. I have yet to figure out what it means for me exactly, but if I'm not doing everything in my power to exercise that third option, my days are wasteful.

I'd really recommend reading through 1 Peter. It has given me so much perspective as I face the inner conflict of every Christian. Every italicized passage I've had in this post has been from 1 Peter and there were so many that I could have included but left out. I must have read through it 2 or 3 times tonight in bits and pieces, just because I'm so intrigued, because I have so many questions and because it has so many answers.

I have been doing a pretty good job of going to church while in college. I say my prayers every night and through the day, but over the past 2 years or so I've really been hiding from my Bible. Thank God I couldn't hide forever.

And the God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

The Proverbial Sunrise

I will be the first to admit that I have been well behind the curve for many of life's defining moments.

I didn't get my license until senior year of high school, I didn't start dating until college and I've still never been drunk.

However, today I have knocked off one of those things that everyone has done except me. I have finally pulled an all-nighter.

Well, I guess I haven't yet, but I am deep in the throes of one. I have only been awake 22 straight hours as of right now, but my classes don't end until 4:30, at which point I will have been awake 30 straight. Because I am obligated, assignment-wise, to go to both the first and last classes of my day.

And I'm feelin' ok right now. I originally had planned to go for a few hours of sleep, but at about 3:30 AM, still feeling productive with a lot still on the docket, I decided to call audible and go for the whole ball of yarn. The assist for the night goes to one of those huge cans of Starbucks Slurry. It's called an "Energy Coffee Drink" which admittedly makes me shudder a bit, but it didn't taste as bad as your standard Monster/Red Bull and kept me lively all night. I suppose I have finally turned to the dark side of coffee, although on the other hand I'm not sure if that stuff even counts as coffee. Either way, it's not something of which I wish to make a habit.

All told, it was really only a matter of time before I had to pull the ol' 24-in-a-row. College (especially Madison) is a lot of work, and I've gotten lucky on due date overlapping for the most part thus far, so eventually the luck had to run out.

And today was a veritable perfect storm. My to-do list contained an online quiz for Marketing, a 4 page paper, an unrelated speech, and 85 pages of reading in Journalism and 100 pages of reading about which I must lead a discussion today for Lit. Separately, not too big of a deal for any of those, but together it made for quite the Tuesday night.

Did I procrastinate somewhat? Yes. However, do you procrastinate somewhat? Yes. I'm just trying to make the best of it at the moment. Someday I will learn my lesson, potentially today if and when I hit the wall in a few hours during class. I still must give a speech today. Oh man.

I had a bunch of things to say concerning the journalism assignment itself, but that will have to wait. My efforts now must go into being able to stay awake for the next few classes.