Iron Ned: A Running Commentary

Recently, I helped engineer plans for a pasta-cooking competition between some friends. For some reason, we all thought it would be fun to bring home-made pasta dishes to a party at my friend's house, to be judged by his foodie father, whose name is Ned. Ned will name one dish the winner, and its chef will earn the vaunted "Golden Spatula" trophy, which I'm sure will be an old spatula spray-painted gold. We decided to call it "Iron Ned" (get it???) and, unlike most ideas concocted at 2 AM, we're actually going through with it.

Well, Iron Ned is tomorrow, so it's clearly time to prepare for it.

Aaaaaaand, I have basically no idea how to cook anything.

But I'm committed to doing this on my own. I am home alone, armed with nothing more than the internet, some cookbooks, and the means to go to Sentry and purchase ingredients. A year and a half ago, I made a New Year's resolution to learn how to cook passably. I obviously didn't accomplish that one, but tonight is a start. The Golden Spatula shall be mine.

Let's start this trainwreck.

--All right, time to look for recipes. I have the internet at my disposal, but I think I'll try the old-fashioned art of the cookbook to begin with. We've got a bunch in the kitchen, so let's give it a shot, huh!

--If you're in the market for a cookbook, don't purchase "Cooking for the Heart"

--This old Lakeside band cookbook has to have some gems, eh?

--Hmm, couldn't find a winner. You'll never fool me with your "moist bread stuffing," Dr. Gulczynski. Never.

--The internet offers slightly better results. Giada de Laurentiis is so flippin' cute. The fact that she is so cute makes her recipes slightly suspect, though. I mean you KNOW Paula Deen didn't get on TV for her high-school-crush good looks.

--The first Google auto-complete when you type in "Giada de Laurentiis" is "Giada de Laurentiis breast size." I hate the internet SO MUCH. A buncha creeps out there.

--All right, I've settled on "Penne with Sun-dried Tomato Pesto." Sounds doable, reasonably classy, and doesn't require a king's ransom of ingredients. I'm looking to keep the price down, ideally.

--A quick sweep of the cupboards suggests that I'm going to have to audible into "Rotini with Sun-dried Tomato Pesto." I doubt that it makes a huge difference. Welp, off to Sentry to supplement my recipe.

--I was mostly covered from our pantry, but I have returned from Sentry with sun-dried tomatoes (I would hope!) and fresh basil. Now we begin.

--Aw, shucks, the recipe called for fresh garlic, but I looked at the store and then decided that garlic powder would stand in well enough. Little did I know that our garlic powder has been expired for 2 years. I had assumed we used it more often than that. Well now what?

--In my search up and down the kitchen for a garlic replacement, I have instead located the remnants of a tub of strawberry frozen yogurt. Maybe like 5-7 teaspoons in there.

--In my sadness of being unable to find a suitable garlic replacement, I have succumbed to the temptation of frozen yogurt. Hair of the dog, it wasn't too bad.

--Dangit! MLS game of the week is on! What a distraction! Oh well, Seattle vs. DC isn't that good of a matchup anyway. Focus, Blake. Do it for Giada.

--All right, still trying to solve the garlic problem. I guess I'll check my pride and return to Sentry. I hope garlic doesn't cost too much. Ned had better love this dish.

--Zuccess! We have some minced garlic in the fridge! It'll have to do. Now let's rock.

--How about some cooking music? The new Kanye single, "Power" gets me pumped. I'll add it to the expected playlist of TI, Maino and Major Lazer. Rap cooking.

--This smells amazing. I'm distinctly Mario Batali. I could stand to gain some weight though, if that is what I aim for.

--Grating some Pecorino Romano. The recipe calls for Parmesan, but I'm not afraid to go above and beyond. My Italian roots are coming way in handy here, see. I might add that fresh basil makes a huge difference. Go big or go home, when it comes to basil.

--Of course, cooking takes way longer when you blog about it. There's a lot of waiting for the ol' water to boil though.

--Just blended my sauce. I'm pleasantly surprised. My parents are home now and I had them try a little bit. My half-Italian mother and my formerly-a-restaurant-head-chef father both liked it. On that note, if both my parents have good cooking pedigrees, why am I roughly as capable as a Sim in the kitchen? No comical fires yet though, fortunately.

--My whole grain rotini is cookin'. I'm still bumpin' some beats. Takin' the "g" off of words endin' in "ing" is SO DOPE. So is the word "dope."

--Pasta is drained, sauce is stirred in and I will finish my dish to the sound of "No Man's Land" by B.o.B. It's good pasta music.

--First taste: Oh man, this is good stuff. I wouldn't have expected it to turn out this nicely at all. The fresh basil, the Pecorino cheese and the special ingredient (hint: the special ingredient is obviously love) really made it. My parents enjoy it as well, and I'm really hoping they're not just humoring me. Trying to speak as objectively as possible, I have to say I'd eat it even if I hadn't made it.

--I'm feeling good about my chances of taking home Iron Ned's Golden Spatula. Even better, now I've got a signature pasta dish ready to go for one of those adorable guy-cooks-for-the-girl dates. Clearly that's the most important thing. Thanks, movies, for teaching me everything there is to know about relationships.

My pasta is all packed up and ready to go. Tomorrow night my potential and ability as a chef will be (casually) tested. I personally think the dish turned out well, but we'll see what it's like once someone outside of my family tries it. Either way, it was a lot of fun making it and I have to say I'd be curious to start cooking a little more. It's definitely rewarding.

I've been meaning to do a summer update post, but that'll have to wait until another day. With the World Cup over and my transition from working to housefellow-ing in sight, I'm sure I'll finally find some time to post soon. Til then, good night, readers. Good night, Giada. Good night, Moon.

UPDATE: Second place will have to do, as my dish, later titled "Romatini di Mazzoca" (One's a made up Italian word, the other a bygone Italian name in my ancestry), placed highest in the categories of lasting impression and description but fell just short. Next time...